“No, he’s not here right now.”

“Ok, where are you?”

“Outside is a good place to be.”

“Where did you smell the gas?”

“Did you open the windows?”

“Where were you.”

“Ok, was it in the upstairs part of the house or just in the bottom part.”

“Ok, well now long were you breathing the gas.”

“5 minutes, 2 minutes…”

“So what do you have, you have a headache?”

“Okay, well I have to go, class is starting. Just open the windows and stay outside and give it 20 minutes.”

“Okay, feel better.”

Or, The elusive *ffect fu.

That is in fact written correctly.

So, how many of you have issues with this. I have a friend who is easily a genius (literally, as per IQ), and he had it wrong. I had it down once. The professor for an english class I took at university made it a point to teach it. If I remember correctly, we had random quizzes on it. I don’t even remember how he taught it to us, but I still had it figured out. That is until the genius told me I had it wrong. My first instinct is to default to his knowledge, and overall, this is the ideal choice. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve been right about something he was wrong about. Lucky for me, I decided to look it up.

Evidently my grasp on it was somewhat tenuous. I found myself reading over it for quite a while. Really, I think I was slightly more confused after reading the definitions for a while. However, having gotten things figured out, I will share my wealth of knowledge so that you too may one day master the *ffect fu.

Effect and affect are both used as nouns and verbs, and in other forms as adjectives.

The Dictionary.com definitions are as follows:

Effect is primarily used as a noun. Put simply, an effect is a result or consequence. The word is used in that basic manner as well as in related contexts. The power to produce results, or the ability to influence or force is the a use of effect in the context of the potential or ability to cause an effect - “The documentary had an effect on environmental policies.” Further, there is being in the state of actually causing an effect, the state of being operative; operation or execution; accomplishment - “The law was put into effect.” A purpose or intention; meaning or sense - “to that effect” - is the use of effect to reiterate an idea or concept. “For effect” is an example of usage to make an impression; “The dramatic entrance was for effect.” Effect has many different uses which likely contributes to the confusion.

Effect as a verb is to bring about, make happen, or produce as an effect, “as an” being key. If you are effecting something, you are causing a result or consequence. “His new knowledge effected the change in his investment habits.” “Her leadership skills will effect a rise in employee productivity.” The object of the verb itself is the effect. In these two examples, the “change” and “rise” are the effects.

Now, as opposed to usage as a noun in terms of the potential to cause an effect, usage as a verb is the action of causing an effect.

Affect is primarily used as a verb; to act on, produce an effect or change in. “The cold water affected his manhood.” The second definition is essentially the same thing but in reference to the human aspect; impress on the mind, move the feelings of - “The love story didn’t affect him much.” The pain, disease, etc. definition is easy to get; we are affected by diseases, etc.

Affect as a noun is used primarily in psychology. It refers to emotions or emotional responses. Positive affect, negative affect, lack of affect. In this context you can replace “affect” with “emotion” and it still makes technical sense.

A usage note under affect on Dictionary.com provides a second definition for affect the verb: to assume, to pretend. “The thief was affecting innocence.” This note also provides a basic explanation regarding the differences between effect and affect.

Both effect and affect have adjective forms as well: effective and affective.

The Dictionary.com definitions:

Grasping the difference between the usage of these two words is rather simple, as the definition of affective is relatively different and quite succinct. Enough that they don’t really require further explanation.

As much as it won’t always be correct, when in doubt, use effect as a noun and affect as a verb. That basic rule work well enough to get you by. Otherwise, read carefully and use wisely.

Then you too, grasshopper, may become the Master of the *ffect fu.

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Every time I use the restroom at my school, or anywhere with the auto-flushing toilets for that matter, I’m always glad when everything that was in my pockets is still in my pockets. I’m watching it flush with the momentary power of a tiny black hole, and thinking, “Wow. It’s a good thing that the car, house, office and mailbox keys with my USB jumpdrive that are hanging precariously from my back pocket stayed hanging precariously from my back pocket.” I’ve stood up a number of times at home and realised my drivers license and credit card were on the floor. Maybe once or twice I’ve dropped my mobile.
Every time. I think about it every time.

Funny thing about this post.  I started it ages ago, got on to other things, and didn’t finish it. I’ve been meaning to write it for even longer (since I realised that I think the same thing every time). Just a few days ago, my mom says to me, “I was listening to NPR and someone said something about those stupid airport toilets that flush automatically, and how they always flush before you’re done! And they always do! I hate that!”  Evidently there’s more than one issue to be had with these things.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m more than happy to not have to touch a public toilet, although I’ve always used my foot anyway.  John Snow removed the handle from a water pump and began the eventual control gained over cholera.  Hopefully no one has been drinking the water from public bathrooms anyway, but the same idea applies.  The paper towel dispensers are even automated now.  Wave your hand in front of it and it spits paper at you.  I don’t know that anyone has bothered to research whether or not all of this automation has slowed or stopped the spread of any diseases, or whether it is just easing the minds of public restroom patrons.

Although it doesn’t seem to be doing a very good job of that either.